My Wife Threatened Divorce If I Didn't Buy a Second Massage Chair. I Thought She Was Joking. (She Wasn't.)

How buying a massage chair saved my marriage, fixed my back, and created the only "problem" I'm happy to have

I never thought I'd be writing this.

But after what happened last Tuesday at 11:47 PM, I need to warn other families about what they're getting into.

See, three months ago, I bought what I thought was a massage chair.

What I actually bought was a ticking time bomb that would detonate my peaceful household and force me to make a decision I never saw coming.

It started innocently enough.

My back was killing me from years of construction work.

Linda, my wife of 23 years, had her own issues - arthritis that made mornings brutal.

So when I saw an ad for this massage chair that claimed to be "better than weekly chiropractor visits," I figured why not.

We'd been spending $400/month on massages anyway.

The chair arrived on a Thursday.

By Saturday, we had our first fight.

Not about money. Not about space.

About whose turn it was.

"You were in it for 45 minutes this morning!" Linda snapped as I headed for the chair after dinner.

"My back is literally spasming," I shot back."So is mine!"

We stood there, two grown adults in our 50s, glaring at each other over a piece of furniture.

That's when our 16-year-old daughter Emma walked in, saw us arguing, and said the words that changed everything:

"I call dibs after Dad."

All hell broke loose.

The Schedule Wars Begin

By week two, Linda had created a color-coded schedule on the fridge:

Morning slot: 6-7 AM (Linda)

After work: 5:30-6:30 PM (Me)

Evening: 8-9 PM (Emma)

Late night: 10-11 PM (First come, first served)

Seemed reasonable..

... Until my brother visited.

"Holy mother of—what IS this thing?"

He gasped after trying it. "It's like having four massage therapists working on you at once."

He wouldn't get out.

Emma missed her slot.

The schedule system collapsed.

Then Neighbors Got Involved

Word spread. Suddenly, Tom from next door had "back problems."

Susan across the street needed to "test it out for her mom."

My poker buddies started showing up early just to get their 20 minutes in.

Linda lost it when she found Tom in the chair at 7 AM on a Sunday."This is a PRIVATE RESIDENCE!" she yelled.

But here's the thing - I couldn't blame any of them.

This Wasn't Just A Massage Chair

This thing had features I didn't even know existed:

Full-body scanning that adjusts to each person's body perfectly..

Heated rollers that go from your neck down to your glutes (yes, it massages your butt - don't knock it till you try it)

Arm and leg compression that squeezes and releases like a blood pressure cuff..

Foot rollers that made Emma throw away her $200 foot massager..

Zero gravity positioning that makes you feel weightless..

But the real kicker?

The "stretching mode" that literally decompresses your spine while massaging.

After using it, I could touch my toes for the first time in 10 years.

Linda's morning stiffness? Gone.

Emma's soccer soreness? Disappeared.

The Night Everything Changed

Last Tuesday, I came home late from work.

Back screaming. Exhausted.

The chair was occupied. Linda was in it, fast asleep, soft music playing through the built-in speakers.

I gently tried to wake her.

Nothing.

I tried turning off the chair.

She mumbled "five more minutes" without opening her eyes.

I waited. Twenty minutes. Thirty.

Finally, at 11:47 PM, she opened her eyes, saw me standing there, and said: "We need another one."

"Linda, another massage chair is too expensi-"

"I don't care. Either we get another chair, or I'm filing papers. I can't live like this anymore."

She was dead serious.

And then it hit me — she wasn't talking about the chair.

She was talking about us.

About the slow drift. The stiff mornings. The feeling of slipping.

I knew she was right.

This chair was more than just a fun luxury – it was an investment in our future. 

The Great Chair Multiplication

The next morning, I did something insane.

I called my brother: "Hey, remember that massage chair you wouldn't get out of?"

"Already ordered one," he said. "Arrives Thursday."

I called Tom: "Still interested in—"

"Bought one yesterday. Susan ordered two."

Two?

That's when I discovered something disturbing. In our neighborhood alone:

- 7 families had ordered chairs
- 3 had ordered second chairs
- My poker buddy Steve was converting his spare bedroom into a "relaxation room" with three chairs..

The Company Behind The Madness

The chairs are made by a company called Relaxe (with an 'e').

Here's what I learned when I called to order our second chair:

They sell direct-to-consumer only. No showrooms. No middlemen. No retail markup.

That's why a chair with $10,000 showroom features costs only $2,999.

Kyle, my sales rep, laughed when I told him about our "situation."

"You're the 3rd person this month ordering a second chair because of family fights," he said.

 "We're thinking of offering a 'Family Peace Package' - buy two, save $500."

"Sign me up," I said.

Relaxe Chairs At California Warehouse 

The Hidden Cost Nobody Talks About

Here's what they don't tell you in the ads:

This chair will ruin you for everything else.

- Regular chairs feel like torture devices
- Massages seem pointless (why pay $150 for what you have at home?)
- Chiropractor visits drop to emergencies only
- Your productivity tanks because you're always thinking about your next session
- House guests won't leave
- Your kids' friends suddenly want to hang out more
- Marriage counseling might be needed (kidding... mostly)

Our New Normal

It's been two weeks since our second chair arrived.

Peace has been restored. Sort of.

Now Linda and I do "couple's massage time" every evening.

Emma still monopolizes one chair for hours.

It's actually been the perfect excuse to unwind as a family.

Last night, Emma looked up from her chair and said: "Dad, when I go to college, can I take one with me?"

Linda and I exchanged glances.

"We'll buy a third one," we said in unison.

The Verdict

Am I insane for spending $9,000 on three massage chairs? Maybe.

But here's what that money bought:

- Zero morning stiffness
- No more chiropractor visits ($200/month saved)
- Canceled massage memberships ($400/month saved)
- Better sleep
- Faster workout recovery
- And strangest of all... more family time (even if we're all in separate chairs)

Fair warning: If you're thinking of buying just one, don't.

Trust me. Order two.

Hide the second one until the fights start. You'll thank me later.

Or do what Steve did - create a "relaxation room" and charge your neighbors $20 per session.

His three chairs paid for themselves in two months.

They're Still Available (For Now)

I called Kyle yesterday to thank him.

He mentioned they're backordered until August in some areas because of "unusual repeat order volume."

Translation: Families like ours are hoarding them.

They still have inventory in their California warehouse, but he said prices might go up after July 4th due to new tariffs.

If you're on the fence, here's my advice:

Order one if you live alone.

Order two if you have a family.

Order three if you have teenagers.

Your back will thank you.

Your family will stop thanking you (they'll be too relaxed).

And you'll finally understand why we all sound like cult members.

Because when you find something that actually works, that actually delivers what it promises, that actually makes your life better every single day...You protect it.

Even if it means buying three of them.
—Michael

P.S. - Linda just texted me from Chair #1:

"Tell them about the 365-day trial period. If they don't love it, they can return it."

I texted back: "Nobody returns these things."

She replied: "Exactly."